Eight years ago during my psychotherapy training I was listening to a lecture. I
guess I felt bored and my mind began to drift. Without thinking I began to write
and what I wrote were a number of simple principles that opened up a new
perspective on the human condition.
At first I was mystified I did not understand where this material had
come from. What I was reading felt new and exciting. These principles
on this single sheet of paper were to have a profound effect on my life
and ultimately formed the foundation of my first book "Blood Washing
Blood" This website will give you access to some of the ideas in my
book, as well as to information about my meditation group, meditation
retreats, and individual and group psychotherapy.
Trying to empty the mind of thought requires thought,
and that is like washing a blood stained garment in blood and expecting
to clean it. I realized that this idea, which was originally made in
regard to meditation, relates to much more than meditation and is
perhaps the most profound and disturbing idea ever to have been
conceived. This idea has forced me to re-evaluate all that I thought to
be true. I hope it will do the same for you.
In Zazen meditation one sits facing a wall, a plain wall that has no
patterns to distract the mind. Facing this wall the sensory world is
diminished, there is no longer the stimulus to the eyes and mind that
usually distracts us from who we are. There is nothing extra coming in
from the outside, now everything that arises comes from the inside. One
is thereby faced with oneself.
From the inside there arises feelings, thoughts, and physical
sensations. Boredom, sleepiness, and pain can also arise. These are all
the defences of the mind. Usually when these defences arise we either
indulge in them or suppress them. In meditation there is the
opportunity to work through them. Working through means to process
these feelings, thoughts and sensations by allowing them to complete
themselves without any attempt to change them.
In the beginning the mind is full of defences; thoughts running
wild, pain in the knees or back, slowly this begins to subside. As one
stays with it the persistence wins out, as we allow what is coming
(with mindfulness) it begins to stop coming, it comes because we
indulge in it or repress it. Defences arise when we feel threatened in
some way; meditation is seen as a threat by the mind. The threat is
that we may begin to feel.
The feelings, emotions, and pain that arise are not only related to
the present, they are also related to the past and to all our
experiences in the past.
In the early stages there is the observer that sits and watches and
evaluates. The observer is the ego, and the ego is the originator of
our defence systems. When we stop engaging with this system it begins
to lose its power and as a result of this we begin to experience more
freedom in our lives.
This is because the ego is the product of fear and as the ego loses
its power through meditation, fear also begins to diminish. In essence
the principle of this is that because the ego is primarily a defence
system against unwanted feelings when we begin to allow these feelings
then the ego becomes redundant; it no longer has a function because
what was denied is now allowed.
When we stop labelling what arises there is just that which arises.
Pain without label, or without resistance is free of conflict and
becomes just physical sensation that has no particular meaning.
This description of the process of meditation begins to be mirrored
in daily life; things arise in relationship, or at work and this
process begins of just experiencing without judgement, which is to
experience truth. As we go deeper into this process of allowing rather
than resisting a new kind of learning appears, not of the intellect but
of the body. In this there is nothing negative; all things begin to
teach.
Every area of life is touched. This is not to say that we can
control anything, its just saying that life will give us certain
experiences, sometimes pleasurable and sometimes painful (and many
others in between). Instead of fighting or seeking these experiences we
can just allow them to occur, as we do this conflict is diminished and
there is a sense of more freedom and lightness in our lives.
Faced by the wall (cinema screen) we begin to project (like a cinema
projector) all that we are. That is our thoughts, feelings, physical
sensations, and dreams. The film is seductive it draws us in and we
begin to lose consciousness of the present. At some point sometimes
abruptly consciousness returns; we are back in the present. How long
will it be before we leave again?
The void is about the way we reconstruct the world, we are
continually what we see and experience. In meditation we start to break
through that reconstruction to what could be called the void, because
it is beyond or behind the reconstruction, it is not possible to name
this because once it is named it is no longer the void. This void is
not empty but full of life, intelligence and meaning.
There is a Zen saying, that in the beginning a mountain is a
mountain, then it is no longer a mountain, then it is a mountain again.
It is like a circle it appears that you havent gone anywhere, but
actually you have gone everywhere, and the mountain is not the same
mountain it was in the beginning, something incredible has happened in
the process of going to Œit is not a mountain.
There are two important aspects to this meditation, the first is to
really let go and relax, allow yourselves to be what you are; to allow
completely every aspect of your self; this includes your thinking,
physical sensations, sounds, pain, sleepiness, restlessness, and
boredom, but also those times when you are more present and more awake.
The posture is awake, not rigid or slouched but awake and alert. It
is important to be gentle and compassionate with your self in this
practice.
Keep your eyes open, when we close our eyes we are more likely to
dream and not be aware that we are dreaming. When you meditate with
your eyes open it is easier to remain connected to the world and to the
present, and easier to recognise when we begin to dream. The stimulus
is reduced but you are still connected and you feel that.
One of the defences that can arise is sleepiness; it becomes very
difficult to keep your eyes open. This is something to be faced, it is
a resistance, it is the mind saying go to sleep, you dont want to do
this, you dont want to sit facing this wall, you could be doing
something else, you could at least be sleeping. Work gently with these
defences, allow yourself to close your eyes for short periods then
gently come back to the meditation, it sometimes helps to follow your
breathing for a short while.
The essence of the meditation is to be awake, when we are not awake
or when we begin to dream or to think, there always comes a moment when
we stop and return to the present, although not necessarily because we
wish to. It is as though we are attached to a rubber band and as we
begin to dream we move away from ourselves, as we move, a tension
begins to build up until the force is so great that we are taken back
to where we started. This is the meditation, be aware of that moment
when you come back, the more we meditate the more we return to and see
the significance of that moment.
